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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #661
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    Pirate sailor ..."There be Dragons"

    Pirate Captain..."Are"

  2. #662
    Established TDF Member steelemonkey's Avatar
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    The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

    My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

    I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

    My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

    A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

    I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


    No trees were harmed in the creation of this message, though a significant number of electrons may have been inconvenienced.
    Paul.
    If God had meant us to breathe underwater, he would have given us larger bank balances.
    Human beings were invented by water as a means of moving itself from one place to another.

  3. #663
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    So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

    I thought...



    that's Abboriginal.

  4. #664
    Bacon fiend londonsean69's Avatar
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    A couple of weeks worth of the Friday tweets



    Stephen Lee has been banned from snooker for 12 years. By my calculation that’s nearly 3 whole games.

    Stop whining about your ailments. I’ve got vertigo but you don’t see me shouting from the rooftops about that.

    When next door’s kid came into my garden looking for a lost ball, I threw it back over the fence. Then I threw the ball after it.

    Job Interview:
    “What is your most surprising quality?”
    “My ability to lie.”
    “Really?”
    “No.”

    If you want some tips on home security, my door is always open.

    They call it ‘Piccadilly Circus’, but when I tried to do my lion taming act there, they arrested me and shot my lions.

    I bought a lamp fitting in IKEA. The guy asked “if I was putting it up myself.” I said “No, I’m putting it in my lounge you weirdo.”

    Today I made bolognese from scratch. I always hated that cat.

    My mate got arrested for punching some flatbread. He wasn’t charged but he did get a wrap over the knuckles.

    ‘This aeroplane food tastes really awful.’ I thought to myself as I spat out a mouthful of aviation fuel.

    I sometimes sit and run my fingers through my wife’s hair. It’s a good way to let her know I love her - and also that we’ve run out of napkins.

    In some rural areas they use sheep’s intestines as condoms. Except in Wales of course, where they use the whole sheep.

    I put Vaseline on our front doorknob as a joke. My wife didn’t find it funny. In fact she flew off the handle.

    When my nan said she wanted a pot plant for her birthday, turns out she meant a plant in a pot. Four fưcking hours I spent in custody!

    I keep making sexist jokes about my dad and his Thai bride. He finds it really annoying. And so does my dad.

    My friend’s always telling people his penís is 50% bigger than the average. He’s too cocky by half.

    My pervy neighbour has ended up in hospital with a hoover stuck up his bottom. Badly injured, but doctors say he’s picking up nicely.

    I wish I had a pound for every time I was given two 50p coins in my change.

    I gave my niece away at her wedding. I stood up and shouted, “She used to be a man!”

    “What happened to that bloke’s face. It’s all swollen.”
    “He ate some chips.”
    “He’s allergic to chips??”
    “No. They were MY fưcking chips.”

    Nick Clegg says we should have to pay 5p for a plastic bag. Who does he think he is? Jordan’s pímp?

    It’s hard work eating this Lion bar. It’s no Picnic.

    Weird! I went to get some fruit from this cockney greengrocer this morning and came back with a new staircase.

    Life’s a bitch. Unusual name for a spaniel but we thought it suited her.

    I grilled a chicken last night. Total waste of time. He still wouldn’t tell me why he crossed the road.

    My wife suggested we spice up our marriage by playing ‘doctors and nurses’. So I put her on a trolley and ignored her for two days.

    Isn’t it strange how really sexy women drive cute little cars. Which reminds me, the MOT is due on the wife’s Transit.

    Sean Connery thinks The Shoop,Shoop Song was about two bowls of minestrone.

    My wife hasn’t spoken to me since I groped her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding. He wasn’t happy about it either.

    I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building. Hope it’s not terminal.

    That awkward moment when they turn the jacuzzi off, but you carry on,farting......

    Girls! There’s an app on Facebook that tells your friends instantly if you’re not following your diet. It’s called ‘Photos’.

    The volume of your hair can go down as well as up. Perms and conditioners apply.

    I’ve just been given the BAFTA for Most Garlicky Breath. It was awarded post-hummusly.

    The worst thing about having sex in an alley is how angry the other bowlers get.

    I rang the Scam Victims’ Helpline. Now all I’ve got to do is send them their £300 administration fee and they’ll start work on my case.

    She sells hard drugs by the seashore. (The seashell thing didn’t work out).

    I wish I hadn’t invented the ghost boomerang. I should have known it would come back to haunt me.

    I’m a borderline alcoholic. The Scottish side regard me as a moderate drinker; The English side think I’m a raging písshead.

    Back when I was a kid, there was no internet, no Twitter, no trolls. People often had to walk miles to call me a twaŧ.
    Sean

    A few more pics - www.arrowpix.com

  5. #665
    Bacon fiend londonsean69's Avatar
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    And last weeks tweets have also just landed in my inbox Enjoy.....


    At the Tory conference, it was difficult to put Michael Gove and David Cameron in order of preference. In the end I went аrse over tít.

    I’ve never been good at picking up women. Bad technique and poor upper body strength I guess.

    My neighbours are upset at the box of unripe fruit on my drive. I think it’s just a case of sour grapes.

    That’s the third lucky escape I’ve had from a cannibal’s sandwich this week. I’m on a roll.

    My suitcase is crying again. I really need to get rid of my emotional baggage.

    Viewed a house today and put an offer on the table. They accepted and we now own a lovely table.

    If you’re a successful contortionist, well done. Give yourself a pat on the back.

    When Elvis went on the road, they took in so much cash, they needed three tour buses: one for the money, two for the show.

    I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves. The correct answer was blood vessels.

    They say ‘attack is the best form of defence’. Rubbish, - when I was in court and nutted the prosecuting counsel it made things worse.

    Jokes about my colour-blindness make me see red. Or possibly green.

    Just found out I’ll be getting compensation for my botched plastic surgery. I’m very happy. It’s music to my legs.

    Ken Hom should do a TV series about cooking using an Aga, called Hom, Hom on the range.

    My feet have gone to sleep. They’re coma toes. Hahahahahahaha - coma toes! – haha - No YOU píss off.

    Film piracy funds terrorism. So why the hell hasn’t Johnny Depp been arrested?

    I ordered so-called ‘All Day Breakfast’ this morning & finished it in well under half an hour. How do these fraudsters sleep at night?

    Cop: “My sniffer dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
    Junkie: “I’m on drugs?? You’re the one with the talking dog.”

    I’ve been battling with diarrhoea for a week now, but I think I’ve finally figured out how to spell it.

    Opening my takeaway restaurant was a lot easier than I thought, so naturally I called it ‘Pizza Píss’.

    Dear Optimist & Pessimist, while you two were arguing about the half full / half empty glass, I drank the fưcker. Sincerely, The Opportunist.
    Sean

    A few more pics - www.arrowpix.com

  6. #666
    Established TDF Member Diving Dude's Avatar
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    Joke of the day

    I was blessed with a 9" penis...

    ...unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley
    Howard

    Well feckin 'ard bereaver diver.

  7. #667
    TDF Member rockinrobin's Avatar
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    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

    The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

    The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

    After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'

    The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

    The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

    The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

  8. #668
    Established WTF Member Spirit of Guernsey's Avatar
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    Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero?

    He's 0K now.
    There are four varieties in society: the lovers, the ambitious, observers and fools. The fools are the happiest.
    Hippolyte Taine – French critic and historian (1828-93)

  9. #669
    Hail the Children of LLyr
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spirit of Guernsey View Post
    Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero?

    He's 0K now.



    "Like"
    "...are we human, or are we diver?"

  10. #670
    Established WTF Member Spirit of Guernsey's Avatar
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    A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

    "You mean a martini?" queries the landlord.

    The Roman replies "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."
    There are four varieties in society: the lovers, the ambitious, observers and fools. The fools are the happiest.
    Hippolyte Taine – French critic and historian (1828-93)


 

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