Joke of the day

[Stevie H]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fookin cat!!!

[Nitnab Nhoj]

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay raise...

Wife: “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?"

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed”
Wife: (increasingly agitated) “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife: (really boiling now and through gritted teeth) “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much of a raise do you want?”

[londonsean69]

The Friday tweets. There won't be any for a few weeks, I won't be here


The new iPhone is called the 5c....Named after the hourly pay rate of the Chinese kids who assemble it.

R.I.P Ray Dolby. On Sunday at 3:00 pm to mark his passing, people will observe a minute’s noise reduction.

Hahaha! I’ve just seen one of those old fashioned iPhone 5Cs!
(Sent from my Tardis)

A dead hippo is called a hippoposthumous.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
More multiple choice answers!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
a) Soon. b) In a while. c) Now.

Poundstretcher is being taken over by Marks & Spencer. It will now be called Stretchmarks.

My mate thinks it’s ‘footsmiths’ who repair shoes, but I reckon that’s cobblers.

I got one of those Tracker mortgages. The price of snack bars is getting bloody ridiculous.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. That philosophy cost me my job as a bereavement counsellor.

This must be the filthiest seafood restaurant I’ve ever been in. ‘Catch of the Day’ is hepatitis.

I didn’t say I was a catholic, I said I was a cataholic. I just can’t get enough cats.

Bakewell Tart is probably the most offensive and chauvinistic command I’ve ever given to my wife.

I have an egg timer in the shape of a dalek. After three minutes it shouts “Eggs terminate!”

When my wife came home early unexpectedly, I was so scared she’d discover my cross-dressing secret, I was quaking in her boots.

I got drunk at my sister’s wedding last month and threw the ice sculpture in the river. Still, that’s all water under the bridge now.

Mum, dad, I’ve decided that 34 is too old to still be living with my parents,...........so fưck off.

I used to own a one-legged horse. I named him Clip.

My father’s answer to everything was alcohol. He didn’t drink, he was just shít at quizzes.

I’ve spent the last 5 years hunting for my mother-in-law’s killer.
But no-one will do it.

If you’re weird enough to be into donkeyporn, then we can never be friends. In fact you can KISS MY ASS.

[Kato]

After succeeding in pulling the shipwrecked Costa Concordia out of the Med, the contractors have now been asked to keep Sunderland up

[cotochris]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day in Iowa when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere Tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

[Diving Dude]

After my anal exam the doctor left the room.
Then the nurse came in and said "who the fook was that?"

[drmwc]

Here's an obscure one:
Wot's an anagram of the Banach Tarski paradox?

The Banach Banach Tarski Tarski paradox.

[BTS]

Here's an obscure one:
Wot's an anagram of the Banach Tarski paradox?

The Banach Banach Tarski Tarski paradox.

Should that not be the Banach Tarski Banach Tarski paradox... or even the Banach Tarski paradox Banach Tarski paradox?

[Tunicates]

Here's an obscure one:
Wot's an anagram of the Banach Tarski paradox?

The Banach Banach Tarski Tarski paradox.

Should that not be the Banach Tarski Banach Tarski paradox... or even the Banach Tarski paradox Banach Tarski paradox?

Or for that matter, Banach k Tarski k paradox k.

[Mal]

Or for that matter, Banach k Tarski k paradox k.

I was thinking more .....

BBaannaachh TTaarrsskkii

MMaall