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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #21
    Where'd The Bubbles Go ....? Capt Morgan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Treerat View Post
    A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

    When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a bloowjob?"

    "What? You're crazy!"

    "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

    "No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."

    "At this time of the night? No one will show up..."

    "I've already said No, and NO!"

    "Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."

    "No! I've said NO!"

    "My love... Don't be like that..."

    At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

  2. #22
    Established TDF Member steelemonkey's Avatar
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    1st scientist. "What are you working on?"
    2nd scientist. " A contraption that will allow people to re-live the worst moment of their lives at the touch of a button."
    1st scientist. "Good luck with that, I don't see you selling any of those."
    And thus, the snooze button was born.
    Paul.
    If God had meant us to breathe underwater, he would have given us larger bank balances.
    Human beings were invented by water as a means of moving itself from one place to another.

  3. #23
    Bacon fiend londonsean69's Avatar
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    It's Friday, and the tweets have landed

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Should old acquaintance be forgot, - check for Alzheimer’s.

    Oi Chelsea fans! Want to save money on a Demba Ba replica shirt? Just cut off the word ‘DROG’ from the one you wore last year.

    I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket, and now I own a shopping trolley.

    TIP: You can improve the processing speed of your computer tenfold by holding your head in your hands and saying “Come on, for fưck’s sake.”

    Shakin’ Stevens would like to announce that he has finally found the right medication & would like to be known henceforth as Even Stevens.

    Autocorrect is my worst enema.

    I went to a fancy dress shop for a Dracula outfit. They handed me a Man City kit. I said “You’ve misheard me. I want to look like a Count.”

    I see you baby, shakin’ that ass. And what’s more, the RSPCA are on their way, you cruel bastaŗd.

    My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and I’m her useless sack of shıt.

    Kate Winslet has married Ned Rocknroll. If they don’t name their first child Webuiltthiscityon, then I’ll think less of them.

    I’m hoping they’ll find a cure for hiccups but I’m not holding my breath.

    My wife sat for 10 minutes last night wondering what to choose from the menu. Finally I had to step in and select “Play Movie”.

    I’ve been described as dismissive and lacking a decent vocabulary, to which I say pffffft.

    My wife’s chuffed with the new belt and bag I got her for Christmas. That hoover’s got another year in it yet.

    Don’t judge me for being materialistic until you’ve walked a mile in my bloody fantastic Gucci suede shoes.

    My New Year’s resolution to stop making up words is going splentacularly badly.

    Don’t you hate it when you’re typing something and you’re thinking about something else, so then you subconsciously type what you were tıts.

    I got an Amazon voucher for Christmas. I’ve ordered two piranha fish and a pygmy.
    Sean

    A few more pics - www.arrowpix.com

  4. #24
    Still making God laugh... Stevie H's Avatar
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    A hooded robber burst into a Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

    On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

    The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

    He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

    Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

    The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

    There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

    Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."

  5. #25
    Established TDF Member matt's Avatar
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    As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

    The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too f**king late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

  6. #26
    The swimming rodent Treerat's Avatar
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    A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
    DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
    SON: At school *robot slaps son*
    SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
    DAD: Which one?
    SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*
    SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
    DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*
    MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*
    Andy
    www.budediveclub.co.uk
    www.gafirs.org.uk
    If it moves - canoe it, if it doesn't dive it!

  7. #27
    TDF Member
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    my wife says i act like such a baby when im ill!

    well what do you expect when iv got a sniffly widdly runny nose and boo boos in my tumtum

  8. #28
    Established TDF Member steelemonkey's Avatar
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    I can remember the first time I had Sex..

    in fact I still have the receipt
    Paul.
    If God had meant us to breathe underwater, he would have given us larger bank balances.
    Human beings were invented by water as a means of moving itself from one place to another.

  9. #29
    Established TDF Member Chris Thomas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by steelemonkey View Post
    I can remember the first time I had Sex..

    in fact I still have the receipt
    S/he was high class!

  10. #30
    Established TDF Member steelemonkey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris Thomas View Post
    S/he was high class!
    Who told you it was a he/she?!
    Paul.
    If God had meant us to breathe underwater, he would have given us larger bank balances.
    Human beings were invented by water as a means of moving itself from one place to another.


 
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