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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #1941
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    Was talking to a mate at Christmas.

    He said he was sick of his wife and did I know anyone who could get rid of her for him? I give him Arti's phone number, and left him to it. Apparently, Arti arranged to get rid of her when she did her shopping at the supermarket on New Year's Eve, for just 1. Sadly, Arti is a bit short-sighted, and he strangled the wrong woman! My mate put him right, but incredibly he got the wrong woman again. Finally, he got it right at the third attempt, but didn't see the police coming to arrest him.

    The headline in last week's paper? "Artichokes, 3 for a pound at local supermarket."

  2. #1942
    With age comes wisdom ray's Avatar
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    Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

    80% held up their hands.

    The Minister then repeated his question.

    All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

    "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

    "I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

    "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

    "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

    "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

    The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

    "I outlived the bastards." ..

    ray.
    I am the one and only.. First member to have a thread knocked back... And again.

  3. #1943
    Established TDF Member Paulo's Avatar
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    What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

    A πthon
    Remember anything you read on the internet was probably written by some guy sitting at home in his underpants! Including this !!

    Illegitimi non carborundum

  4. #1944
    Established TDF Member Nickpicks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paulo View Post
    What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

    A πthon
    <maths geek hat on>
    As it's an irrational numbers, can anything ever be exactly Pi?

    </maths geek hat off again - carry on.>
    The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

  5. #1945
    Confused? You will be. Jay_Benson's Avatar
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    Yes, but only momentarily whilst growing.
    For information to help you plan your dive trip in the UK and Eire try www.planyourdivetrip.co.uk

    Public transport planning info at www.traveline.info

  6. #1946
    Established TDF Member nigel hewitt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nickpicks View Post
    <maths geek hat on>
    As it's an irrational numbers, can anything ever be exactly Pi?
    </maths geek hat off again - carry on.>
    Of course if distance really does quantize (at about 1.6 x 10-35 meters) then for any actual circle the ratio of it circumference to its diameter, π must be a proper fraction.

    Conversely, if we ignore that, can anything actually be 3 units long? Irrational is not the problem.
    Helium, because I'm worth it.
    Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounded like a radical holiday opportunity until I looked it up.

  7. #1947
    Established TDF Member steelemonkey's Avatar
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    What do you get when you tell three pedants a joke..................?
    Paul.
    If God had meant us to breathe underwater, he would have given us larger bank balances.
    Human beings were invented by water as a means of moving itself from one place to another.

  8. #1948
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    Who started the Pedants Revolt?

    Which Tyler

  9. #1949
    Self Defecating The Real Paulus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by steelemonkey View Post
    What do you get when you tell three pedants a joke..................?
    Not even very good pedants.

    None of them pointed out that Pi is a ratio not a dimension.

  10. #1950
    Hail the Children of LLyr
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Real Paulus View Post
    Not even very good pedants.

    None of them pointed out that Pi is a ratio not a dimension.
    This argument is going round in circles.
    "...are we human, or are we diver?"


 

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