Last edited by nigel hewitt; 04-05-2021 at 12:13 PM. Reason: got it wrong twice...
Helium, because I'm worth it.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounded like a radical holiday opportunity until I looked it up.
The fastest man made object was the Helios satellite which only did
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
About 50 years ago, one of the customers that I looked after was Jodrell Bank. The director at the time was Professor John Davis andf one day he was caught in a radar speed trap on his way into work. When the case came came before magistrates he was asked if he had anything to say in his defence and he replied that the speed trap had been positioned opposite a corrugated metal fence which would have cause a doppler shift in frequency, rendering the reading inaccurate. The variation of course was tiny but in principle, he was correct and the case was dismissed - along with all the others caught on the same day.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and
was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep
the sheets off his legs.'
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary…
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B****** s.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." .
"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."
"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."
"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for:
1) everything I say, and
2) everything I do."
"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."
"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."
"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."
"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
"It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish dramatist and critic.
"If you don't beat your wife every three days, she'll start tearing up roof tiles." - Chinese saying.
"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."
"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same." - Oscar Wilde.
"Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose." - Beverley Nichols.
"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !"
"My husband and I married for better or worse - He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse."
"You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court."
"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie (1891-1976), British detective-story writer.
"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield.
"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.
"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry." - Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.
"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.
"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."
"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mothers-in-law."