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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #2861
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    These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
    1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
    2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
    3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
    4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
    5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
    6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
    7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
    8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
    9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
    10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
    and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
    11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
    12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
    13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
    14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
    15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
    16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
    17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
    18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
    19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
    20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
    21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
    22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
    23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

  2. #2862
    Team Starburst Ian@1904's Avatar
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    Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

    You have got the carownervirus

  3. #2863
    Established TDF Member steelemonkey's Avatar
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    First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
    Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
    After casting about for a suitable pearl,
    He kept messing around and created a girl.
    Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
    Full breasts, so firm, and ever so tender.
    Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
    And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
    Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
    And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
    Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
    And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
    'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
    Then he added a voice, and ruined the whole bloody thing.
    Paul.
    If God had meant us to breathe underwater, he would have given us larger bank balances.
    Human beings were invented by water as a means of moving itself from one place to another.

  4. #2864
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    I was walking through the woods yesterday when I came across a suitcase, when I opened it, it was stuffed with a Fox, Vixen and two Cubs. Rather alarmed, I called the RSPCA for advice. The operator asked me ‘are they moving?’


    ‘I’m not sure’ says I, ‘but it would explain the suitcase’

  5. #2865
    Prior Member Tim Digger's Avatar
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    I do like one's I can tell to the grand kids
    Evolution is great at solving problems. It's the methods that concern me.
    Tim Digger

  6. #2866
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    Lifted shamelessly from yesterdays Times:


    Mother Superior calls everyone together and announces: "We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent".

    An elderly nun at the back pipes up: "Thank goodness for that! I'm fed up to the back teeth with all this Chardonnay."

  7. #2867
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    Someone’s replaced my passport photo with a picture of a seasonal fruit and marzipan cake... I think my identity’s been stollen…

  8. #2868
    Established WTF Member Spirit of Guernsey's Avatar
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    There are four varieties in society: the lovers, the ambitious, observers and fools. The fools are the happiest.
    Hippolyte Taine French critic and historian (1828-93)

  9. #2869
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    On the lack of Knob gags (as mentioned in a separate thread) -

    What happened to the cockeyed circumiser???









    He got the sack!


 

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