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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #2461
    Confused? You will be. Jay_Benson's Avatar
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    A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

    St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

    St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

    St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

    This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

    "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Boris Johnson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
    For information to help you plan your dive trip in the UK and Eire try www.planyourdivetrip.co.uk

    Public transport planning info at www.traveline.info

  2. #2462
    Established WTF Member Spirit of Guernsey's Avatar
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    A new eco-opera, Rainforest Ocean Blue, is a disaster. The tenor in particular is dreadful. An aria – The Sighs of Whales – is being destroyed every night…
    There are four varieties in society: the lovers, the ambitious, observers and fools. The fools are the happiest.
    Hippolyte Taine French critic and historian (1828-93)

  3. #2463
    Established WTF Member Spirit of Guernsey's Avatar
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    The other day my girlfriend asked me whether I would take a bullet for her. Obviously I said yes but the security staff in Ann Summers are very vigilant so I had to give it back.
    There are four varieties in society: the lovers, the ambitious, observers and fools. The fools are the happiest.
    Hippolyte Taine French critic and historian (1828-93)

  4. #2464
    Established WTF Member Spirit of Guernsey's Avatar
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    My son told me that Jim Morris on was overrated, so I sent him to his room.

    No one slams the Doors in my house.
    There are four varieties in society: the lovers, the ambitious, observers and fools. The fools are the happiest.
    Hippolyte Taine French critic and historian (1828-93)

  5. #2465
    Established TDF Member Paulo's Avatar
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    Whats the difference between acne and a priest?






    Acne waits til puberty to come on a boy's face
    Rememeber anything you read on the internet was probably written by some guy sitting at home in his underpants! Including this !!

    Illegitimi non carborundum

  6. #2466
    Established WTF Member Spirit of Guernsey's Avatar
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    Every time I drink Bulmers or Magners I start swearing, I believe its the cider fecks.
    There are four varieties in society: the lovers, the ambitious, observers and fools. The fools are the happiest.
    Hippolyte Taine French critic and historian (1828-93)

  7. #2467
    Established WTF Member Spirit of Guernsey's Avatar
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    A plumber was called to a law office to unblock a toilet. After several attempts to unblock it with conventional tools, he searched outside until a found a long stick which did the trick. Apparently, he found a legal loo pole.
    There are four varieties in society: the lovers, the ambitious, observers and fools. The fools are the happiest.
    Hippolyte Taine French critic and historian (1828-93)

  8. #2468
    Established TDF Member Paulo's Avatar
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    I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.
    Rememeber anything you read on the internet was probably written by some guy sitting at home in his underpants! Including this !!

    Illegitimi non carborundum

  9. #2469
    Established WTF Member Spirit of Guernsey's Avatar
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    My wifes not speaking to me because I didn't open the car door for her.

    Its not my fault...
    I just panicked and swam for the surface.
    There are four varieties in society: the lovers, the ambitious, observers and fools. The fools are the happiest.
    Hippolyte Taine French critic and historian (1828-93)

  10. #2470
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paulo View Post
    I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.
    Courtesy of the Edinburgh Fringe I believe.


 

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