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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #1
    Established TDF Member matt's Avatar
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    Joke of the day

    There was an English man, Scotts man and an Irish lad, they were captured by the Iraqi`s. Sadam said "if you can sing me a song about a dog i`l let you go."
    The english man sang "how much is that doggy in the window"
    and he let him go.
    The scott`s man sang "when I was a boy ol` shep was a pup"
    and he let him go.
    Then Paddy started singging "stranger`s in the night exchanging glances." Sadam said, "where`s the dog in it there then?" Paddy said "just hang on a sec. Scooby dooby dooo."

  2. #2
    Octopus Ink Team gpj's Avatar
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    ‎4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "wat about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.
    Find us on FB - Casnewydd Scuba.

  3. #3
    Established TDF Member matt's Avatar
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    A Glaswegian ventriloquist visiting Aberdeen walks
    into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

    He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aberdonian

    Hi, mind if I talk to your dog?'

    Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid weegie bassa.'

    Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

    Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

    Aberdonian: (look of extreme shock)

    Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

    Dog: 'Yep'

    Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

    Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the loch once a week to play.'

    Aberdonian: (look of utter disbelief)

    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

    Aberdonian: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

    Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

    Horse: 'Cool'

    Aberdonian: (absolutely dumbfounded)

    Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

    Horse: 'Yep'

    Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

    Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

    Aberdonian: (total look of amazement)

    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

    Aberdonian: (in a panic)

    'The sheep's a f*****' liar.... '

  4. #4
    The swimming rodent Treerat's Avatar
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    Give it here"
    "No, it's mine"
    "Let me have it"
    "It's my turn!"
    "You had it last"
    "Fuck off!!"
    "Come on gimme it"
    "No way!"
    "But it's my go!!!"

    . . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank
    Andy
    www.budediveclub.co.uk
    www.gafirs.org.uk
    If it moves - canoe it, if it doesn't dive it!

  5. #5
    The swimming rodent Treerat's Avatar
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    On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and his blonde wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
    They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through”.
    So the good wife went out and moved her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
    The good wife went out and moved her car again.
    The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
    The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

    Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
    Andy
    www.budediveclub.co.uk
    www.gafirs.org.uk
    If it moves - canoe it, if it doesn't dive it!

  6. #6
    The swimming rodent Treerat's Avatar
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    LIDL JOB INTERVIEW

    Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
    Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

    The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
    There's no warning.

    'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

    'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

    'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

    'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

    She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

    'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

    Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
    found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

    Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
    question.

    Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

    'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

    'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t myself..'

    Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!
    Andy
    www.budediveclub.co.uk
    www.gafirs.org.uk
    If it moves - canoe it, if it doesn't dive it!

  7. #7
    Bacon fiend londonsean69's Avatar
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    The best (allegedly) funny tweets of 2012..........

    When I think of all the sacrifices my parents had to make to raise me, it almost makes me wish they weren’t Satanists

    A virulent strain of bovine norovirus has broken out in Austria. Apparently the hills are alive with the sound of moo sick.

    My local curry house is mafia owned. I didn’t tip the waiter and ended up with a horse’s head on my pilau.

    I never drink Evian water. I’m not stupid...it’s naive spelled backwards. I prefer the slightly more expensive tnucyllis. (It’s Greek I think).

    Durex, Dulux, - it’s an easy mistake to make. Stop laughing and go and get me some turps.

    Lassie became obsolete that Christmas day little Timmy got a mobile phone. “Dad? Yeah, it’s Timmy. I fell down that fưcking well again.”

    My mother believed in old fashioned Victorian parenting. By the time we were seven, I was a chimney sweep and my sister was a prostıtute.

    “Do you expect me to talk?”
    “No Mr Bond. I expect you to....DANCE.” (Goldfinger, The Musical)

    I’ve just had a Back, Sack and Crack. Worst tasting Rice Krispies ever.

    I learned my job - waking up deaf people in hotels,- at the school of hard knocks.

    I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin sons are. Michael is so much more outgoing and confident than his brother Shitforbrains.

    FACT: Lionel Ritchie wrote ‘Endless Love’ about Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

    I went up to the hotel receptionist and said “Sorry but I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.” She said “No problem sir; this is called the lobby.”

    When we moved in, our house was covered in pornography. We redecorated but I couldn’t help feeling that we were just papering over the cracks.

    I wish next door’s cat wouldn’t do its business in my garden. I feel like going out there and smashing its fax machine to bits.

    Faces you make on the toilet: (0_0) (^_^) (>_<)

    My wife said she wanted a Brazilian “downstairs”. We’ve now got Pele lodging with us.

    Colonel Mustard has invited me to the conservatory to see his candlestick collection. I dunno...I’ve got a bad feeling...

    I just bought some transparent paint called ‘Fưckall’. It does exactly what it says on the tin.

    The doctor was examining my testicles today. I kept thinking: “Please don’t get an erection; please don’t get an erection.” but he did.

    I texted my mate: “What are you doing right now?” He texted back: “Almost certainly failing my driving test.”

    I CAN’T UNDERSTAND IT! - WHY WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CONTR...Never mind, - found it.

    I was tickling the ivories on the old Joanna when I realised that I’m not a Cockney and that I’d just assaulted a very nice old lady.

    I was looking for my keys when my wife came to tell me her mother had died suddenly. I was stunned...they were in my pocket the whole time.

    BBC Glasgow to commission a family tree type show. “Who the fưck do you think you are?” will air later this year.

    My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised... and we got a cat.

    #Fifty Shades of Grey – failed first drafts:-.

    “You’ve been naughty Miss Steele and deserve to be punished.”
    “What did you have in mind Mr Grey?”
    “Umm..you can stack the dishwasher and take the bins out.”


    “Hurt me,” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over his workbench.
    “Very well” he replied “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”


    Before I got through to Seaworld, I had to say over the phone: “Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!” They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

    It cost $7 million to build the Titanic and $200 million to make a film about it. Outrageous. Still, we got to see Kate Winslet’s tıts.

    Someone sat on my toast & Lurpak and squashed it. Now there’s something that looks like tiny bristles in it. I can’t believe it’s not butt hair.

    “You Tolkien to me?” – Hobbit de Niro.

    My 4 kids asked me when exactly I fell off the Christianity wagon. Not sure what to say to Faith, Hope, Charity and Pixie Talulah Moonpig.

    After decorating the nursery with images of Sudanese war criminals, I just realised my wife did not ask for ‘Khartoum characters’.

    If I had a pound for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.

    As I cradled my AK47 to my chest I thought “This is a shıt poker hand.”

    “Black Hawk Down”. Crap movie and also a very poor duvet filling.

    My wife will go spare when she finds out I’ve lost her copy of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. I’ll never hear the end of it.

    To whoever stole my wife’s knickers off the washing line: You can keep the pants but can we have the 40 clothes pegs back please?

    Sinatra was partial to the odd heron but took care not to overdo it: – “Egrets I’ve had a few, but then again too few to mention...”
    Sean

    A few more pics - www.arrowpix.com

  8. #8
    Dive tart, and 'tog Pete Bullen's Avatar
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    One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

    The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

    Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
    Diving, and photography holidays in Gozo
    Private guiding, don't follow the crowd.
    http://oceanfoto.co.uk/

  9. #9
    The swimming rodent Treerat's Avatar
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    A little girl goes to the barber's shop with her father.
    She stands next to the barber's chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
    eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
    'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
    She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
    Andy
    www.budediveclub.co.uk
    www.gafirs.org.uk
    If it moves - canoe it, if it doesn't dive it!

  10. #10
    With age comes wisdom ray's Avatar
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    Hi.

    A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
    vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
    Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
    the surgeon agreed.
    Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
    carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls
    in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
    operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
    confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad
    because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from
    my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had
    the same procedure done some time ago."

    "And what about the third rose ?" she asked. "That's from a man
    upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

    ray.
    I am the one and only.. First member to have a thread knocked back... And again.


 
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